Since coming to China, many people I’ve met have told me that I’m a nice person and go out of my way to help students and teachers who come to me for help. When I’ve been complimented this way, I always tell the person that I can be mean also, and for whatever reason I am not believed. In addition to sometimes, often, being mean, I’m stubborn and pigheaded.

Do I hide it well? (Maybe.)

Am I rarely that mean? (I hope not.)

When I lived in D.C. I had a serious love/hate relationship with it. I love being in the center of the political scene, but I wasn’t happy with how cynical and bitter I was becoming. I was also turning into not a very nice person but I didn’t know what to do to change the things I didn’t like about myself. .

So when it came time to leave for China, while scared as hell, I was excited for the clean start. I’d be going to a place where no one would know me; I wouldn’t have to hear people ask if I was related to so and so like I did when I lived in Buffalo. It was a new beginning.

I was so unprepared for the emotional upheaval my life would have. There have been quite a few days where I tried my best not to keep from crying. I’d tell Niels that maybe he should leave me because I thought I was going crazy and he didn’t deserve to have a nut-job for a girlfriend. Being the guy he is, he would sit patiently with me and ride out the storm.

Being here has given me a lot of time for the much needed personal reflection. When I was in D.C. I found it really hard to really work on my spiritual life, it’s like there is a wall between the spiritual world and this world. I could never seem to get into a groove, or stay in one if I was lucky enough to break the wall down for a short bit. Working only work 20 hours a week, in addition to being out in the sticks of Zhengzhou (yes a city with 8 million people has a area where there’s nothing to do or see) has given me the chance to reconnect with the Earth.

The reconnection has been difficult, not in the actual reconnection with the Earth, but the Earth forcing me to face the things I need to change about myself. Like I’ve said I’m a stubborn person and it’s very hard for me to admit to someone that I’m wrong as well as to apologize. I can hold a grudge like no one I know.

When I first moved to D.C. I was friends with a young woman who at one point I had considered to be my best friend. And we had a horrible falling out. I was, to put it bluntly, a total bitch to her, we had a horrible fight and our friendship ended. A year or so later I ran into her on the street and couldn’t bring myself to apologize. I didn’t think I was wrong, at all. I totally blamed her for what happened, refusing to accept my part in what had happened. After that encounter I never saw her again.

After much digging and eventual help from a friend of hers, I managed to track down her email and sent off a long overdue apology to her the other day. I became nervous wondering if she’d respond, and what her response would be. I was preparing myself for the worst. But when I received a response it was one of the most gracious emails I’ve ever received. I was overwhelmed by her kindness. I knew I shouldn’t have been because she really is a kind person. I never gave her enough credit. But had the roles been reversed I don’t know if I would have responded the way she did.

I never really believed that it’s never too late to say you’re sorry about something, and I’m glad I was proved wrong.

Will she and I work on rekindling our friendship? I don’t know the answer to that one yet.